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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2014 18:03:16 GMT -5
Gilbert stilled when he felt her fingers exploring his gloved paw. The glove was a thin barrier, so he still felt the pressure of her fingers stroking across the top of his paw. It was a small pleasure for Gilbert. Able to feel through that thin barrier, without being plagued with thoughts and memories that he never wanted and which gave him a whopper of a migraine, every time. His lips were a ghost of a smile, as his eyes went from looking at their locked paws up to Demeter's face. He swallowed hard, as he caught a glimpse of her lips just before she looked away, blushing. The thought that had popped into his mind, was what it might be like to kiss those lips, without the downside his powers gave him.
Guilty for what he was thinking, he too couldn't keep his eyes on her face, and he too had to glance away. She would never see him that way, and if she did, Gil didn't want to ruin what they had now, out of curiosity. Though he was grateful that Demeter told him that his comment on her attractiveness was forgotten. That extra bit of awkwardness the comment had brought was now gone from the room. "Oh. I..." He didn't know what to say. That made both Demeter and Munkustrap single, unless they had both found someone in the short time it had been since the ball. But most didn't bounce back that quickly, or perhaps they did. He had never dated before, so he didn't know what to expect. "Was that his decision?" Gilbert, had to admit, he didn't know how to ask Demeter if she and Munk were single without it sounding like a come on. Or just a creepy tom prying into the private lives of others.
Still. He finally brought his face to look back at Demeters, though couldn't hide his own flushed face. He sensed Demeter was upset about something, but he couldn't put into words why she might feel that way. The sound of her words changed that though. "That makes two of us then." He muttered under his breath. Not in self-pity, but more so in a silent defeat, and a hollow acceptance. For a longterm relationship, he ...just wasn't the right tom. He couldn't have a normal relationship, and how would he ever be able to give a queen a child? Assuming he settled, or tried to settle, down with a queen. But even toms expected certain intimacies that Gilbert didn't think he could cope with. Not with his...problem. He cleared his throat. "I mean...without Electra's..a kittens upbringing..." He trailed off, knowing his words were getting confused and twisted. Gilbert sighed softly. "I feel that if I did get involved with a queen or a tom, I'd be more of their 'project', then their lover."
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Post by sansa on Oct 16, 2014 13:01:29 GMT -5
Demeter's ears perked and she looked back up at Gilbert, contemplation in her eyes. She searched his face absently as she considered his question. "Both of ours, I think." She remembered the awkward conversation they'd had, both wanting the same thing but worried about hurting each other. And the relief she'd felt afterward, disappointed as she'd been. "I was, well... I'm sure you can imagine, I was not really up for any sort of relationship. And Munkustrap-" She hesitated. She didn't want to gossip, especially about Munkustrap. But this conversation was a bit different than the whispers and tidbits spread in the Junkyard. "He prefers to focus on his duties. He always has."
She nodded at his next words. No pity or denial. There was no use in denying those truths. She'd forced herself to learn that long ago. "Electra... having a daughter does change things." It wasn't good or bad, necessarily. If anything, it simplified plenty for Demeter. She lived for her daughter. Every decision that she made centered around her, worked toward keeping her life simple and happy. It was Demeter's life that suffered because of it, and she would not have it any other way. "Like they think you're someone they can fix. Yes." Her eyes landed on their paws for a moment. There was something so intimate there, in the weight of his paw and the feeling of his bones beneath her thumb. "I just... got tired of cats acting like my- my issues were an addition, I guess. Something that could be removed, or even should be removed, so that I could be... right, again. You know?" Her eyes met his, and there was fire hidden somewhere behind the fatigue. "How they never understood that it intertwines with every part of me."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2014 0:45:35 GMT -5
Gilbert found himself nodding in agreement to her statement. Though felt it unnecessary to voice his opinion or agreement out loud. But after Siobhan had taken advantage of him, he didn't know why at the time-being too young, but even the thought of intimacy with another made him queasy. For years, in fact. So he could understand, to some extent how uncomfortable she probably was to start another relationship, especially with what he had learned that night. Again, he kept quiet, just letting her talk. And listening to what she had to say. Though he knew it was not a possibility, he still knew from what she said of Munkustrap that he'd have no chance with the silver tabby either.
"Good and bad benefits though, I assume." He responded to her statement of having a child changing things. His eyes went wide slightly with the next thing she had said. She had hit the mark perfectly. He couldn't be fixed. One had to take him as is, or hit the road, and unfortunately they always hit the road. Gilbert was finally in a place in his life where he felt he could be in a relationship, but it was just a heartbreak. He was discouraged from putting himself back out there. But he was a tom who dealt with pain constantly. Something told him, he'd try again, soon. "I know. God, do I know. My issues are tied to me. It can't be removed, and most don't want to even try when they hear that. Not that I've had many opportunities. I'm...I'm not...I'm not sexy like Tugger, and I'm not handsome like Munkustrap."
He paused, knowing he once again revealed too much. Demeter seemed to have that affect on him. Gilbert didn't have the greatest self-esteem, and the lack of female admirers helped him believe that there was something ugly about his appearance. Beyond his touch telepathy woes. He squeezed Demeter's paw. "Is it...very different from actual touch?" He inquired demurely.
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Post by sansa on Oct 17, 2014 15:17:35 GMT -5
"Mostly good, but... yes. But I wouldn't give it up for anything." Demeter had had plenty of days where she thought about a life without Electra, without the dark shame of her past with Macavity. But her daughter was... the light of her life. She could never regret her, so she could not really regret anything that led to her existence. "And I never want her to think that I would. God, I never want her to know the truth. Is that... is that so bad?" She looked away, shame and selfishness tearing at her heart.
Her eyes fell on their paws once more. That was quickly becoming an instinct in this conversation. She found comfort in studying how their fingers intertwined. "And I'm not a-a bombshell like Rina, or self-possessed like Cassandra... But I'm me. And you're you." She could have cringed at how trite it sounded, but she continued. "And maybe there will be somebody who's okay with that eventually. I don't know. Some cats aren't meant to be with somebody. But I... don't think that's the case for you."
His question startled her. She'd gotten the idea that he didn't like to talk about his powers very much, or the limitations they put on his life. "It's different," she said carefully. "The texture is. But the weight, and feeling the... the bones, and the muscles moving..." Her ears burned. She could babble on for hours about how it felt to hold his paw, probably, but she did not want him knowing how much she'd been thinking about it. "It's different, but not very." When was the last time he'd touched somebody, properly touched somebody?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 19, 2014 0:42:36 GMT -5
He couldn't stop the genuine smile, even if his eyes still averted from her face. Gilbert was happy for Demeter, that she had that kind of love and relationship with Electra. By the way she was speaking of her daughter, he could tell that Electra was very dear and precious to Demeter's heart. That she'd be lost, perhaps even die a little, if anything bad ever happened to Electra. Only, sadly, it only served to remind him of his own home life. How would things be different? How would he be different if he had had the type of love Demeter shows Electra, directed at him. "I never knew my real mother. So Electra is lucky to have you Deme. And if and when the subject of Electra's father comes up, you'll do what you think is best for Electra. That's all anyone can do really." He believed in Demeter, at least in regards to the well being of her daughter.
"Maybe." Gilbert shrugged at Demeter's comparisons to herself and other queens. "But I've never found Bombalurina to be sexy...Not to say she isn't attractive, I've just never seen the hype the other toms hold her to. And..." He frowned, embarrassed that he couldn't remember who Cassandra was. He knew he shouldn't have been embarrassed, aside from a handful of jellicles, everyone else was a passing face. He didn't know everyone, and he didn't socialize enough to be expected to know everyone. "I...don't recall a queen named Cassandra." His ears had done a slow slide backward in embarrassment. He did sigh softly, though at his own insecurities, not so much by what Demeter was saying. He did give her a self-deprecating smile. "I'm sorry Deme, but my powers..." He raised his free paw up, in between them. With the glove providing a barrier, it didn't really send the right kind of message, but he wasn't about to remove his paw from Demeter's just to make an obvious point.
No, he was quite happy with the paw holding, the gentle caresses he'd often feel beneath the silk glove, and the intermittent squeezes. He wasn't about to trade the first touch he felt, through his gloves in over a year. The brief touch from Tsume's paw as his claws had dug into his face, didn't count. Besides, the split second touch had barely affected him. It had only given him the thought and the feeling behind it, of rage. Now thinking about it, if that was how Tsume led his life, Gilbert almost felt sorry for the tom. "Kind of speak against that. But...thank you for saying it anyway." Just the fact that she was trying to encourage him, and actually believed there was someone out there that could fall for him, gave him the urge to kiss her on the cheek. He was beginning to think this was what it meant to have a friend. She'd be his first, and he was too ashamed to admit that he'd never had a friend before.
The topic, and the world around them seem to shift and focus in on his gloves. His bane, and only protection. It of course made him uncomfortable, but he was the one who had asked, he was the one who turned the focus onto the "elephant in the room", and so he wasn't about to take it back or complain. He watched her intently, as she studied their joined paws with curious and serious eyes. It was infectious, he just couldn't take his eyes off of her face, now that she wasn't directly staring at him. He had to get over that, sometime. "Different, huh?" Gilbert again didn't know how to take that, and because words seemed to be failing him, he asked dumbly. "Good different?" He blushed shaking his head, while his eyes still continued to stare at her with increasing fondness. "Nevermind...I just...It was something that I was curious about. I...don't get many opportunities to touch, even with the gloves."
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Post by sansa on Oct 21, 2014 12:20:38 GMT -5
Her ears dipped in chagrin, but she couldn't stop the shadow of a smile that crossed her face. Still, she shrugged. ”Yes, I... yes.” She quickly decided not to pursue the topic further. Visions of an older, angry Electra filled her head, leaving Demeter for her father, accusing her of being a terrible mother, and Demeter paled. She was thankful that Gilbert continued on, providing her with a distraction. ”Oh.” She hadn't thought about the possibility of him not knowing all of the Jellicles. She blushed, embarrassed. ”She's, uh... Abyssinian and Siamese, I believe. Very proper, polite. But, um...” She trailed off. It didn't matter much.
She watched his free paw curiously. Her paw tightened its grip almost instinctively, as if to make sure he was not going to pull his paw away. It would be a... a hindrance, certainly, but his powers couldn't possibly erase all possibility of romance. Especially in the case of such a tom, who cared so much about a queen he had barely spoken to before today. Again, she couldn't stop herself from thinking about how convenient it would be to be in a relationship where touch wasn't even an option, when even the friendliest touch could illicit fear from her. She looked away in shame, back to their joined paws. ”That may be so,” she murmured, not one to disguise the truth in such an honest conversation, ”But...” She hesitated. Anything she could think to say sounded like a cliché, true as it may be. ”Even romantic relationships don't require... If someone...” She sighed and shook her head. She had already given up on herself, but he was so young, and already so wise. It would be heartbreaking if he gave up.
”Yeah, different.” She chuckled a bit at that, a short exhale and a twitch of the lips. ”It's... not bad, certainly. Not better, but... I couldn't say it's worse.” Truly, the silkiness of the glove was nice on her fingertips, and the foreign sensations, the slight dissonance, added a certain level of wonder. She looked up at him. ”It-” The look in his eyes cut her off. Intensely emotional, but still so soft, so fond. Heat gathered in her face. That look could mean so many things, or it could mean nothing at all. Her gaze flicked away for a moment, then landed back onto their paws.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 24, 2014 1:51:11 GMT -5
Gilbert was silent, it wasn't necessary to reply to the Abyssinian comment. Though he did now recall a brown Abyssinian looking queen, but the conversation wasn't about her and he didn't want to divert to the subject of other queens anyway. The silence filled the den and surrounded them. However, it felt more like a companionable friend, wrapping them in a warm blanket. Rather then the awkward soundless air that choked him with a feeling of anxiety and discomfort. The sound of Demeter's voice was beginning to be something he could easily get use to. Her whole presence was soothing to him. A feat no one else has been able to do. (Not that he put himself out there enough to ease into a friendship)
A frown formed on his face, at her words. Though he didn't fault her. She was trying to give him a better outlook on his future, including relationships-friendly and romantic. But her not being able to come up with a good reason. Or a finished sentence concerning that topic did discourage him. He was already discouraged about it anyway, but for some reason this only made him more insecure. He leaned slightly forward, temptation to touch Demeter. To find out what she really thought. He was already beginning to understand how hard it was for her to speak clearly, especially when it concerned feelings or a heartfelt discussion. But knowing that would be such an inappropriate invasion of privacy, he snapped out of that line of thinking. "Sorry." He spoke, his cheeks flushing and he leaned back to his original position.
"But thanks..." He commented. "As long as it's not worse." He let his glove-clad thumb move softly across the bottom of Demeter's paw, allowing himself to explore the contour of her palm. He finally gave her a small smile, the only way he knew how to let Demeter know her tongue-tied answers didn't bother him. That is was okay. "I think we've been holding paws longer then the normal time limit that friends usually hold paws. Could be wrong though. I...I've...I don't usually...and I've never had a fr-" Gilbert shook his head and cleared his throat. He needed to change topics, anything to get off further embarrassing slip ups. Something that wouldn't turn his fur scarlett and have Demeter giggling at him.
Gilbert found himself wanting to hear what Demeter's giggle might sound like, but he wasn't prepared to do it at his expense. "Ermm.." He started. Oh what a wonderful start to changing subjects. Very eloquent. His ears flattened, and his voice came out in a soft whisper. "Did...Macavity ever beat you?" He cursed himself, he hadn't meant to ask that. It was more a question for himself, not knowing who else he could open up to about...Ny'mm, but he'd hate himself if Demeter had gotten hit once or twice by the Ginger tom and he was the one that made her think back on it. He foolishly hoped his voice had been to low for Demeter to hear his question though.
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Post by sansa on Oct 26, 2014 16:55:55 GMT -5
Frustration tore at her, a frown on her face. She rarely had such trouble expressing her thoughts. But then, she supposed, she rarely had these kinds of emotions blocking her mind and stopping her voice. Her ears sank slowly. She looked up to try to explain herself better when she noticed how much closer Gilbert was to her. Was he planning on... The steady thumping of her heartbeat filled her head. What if he did? How much would he learn? She wondered for the briefest moment if she should pull away and spare him, but she found that she couldn't move. The thought of someone knowing her mind so intimately was intoxicating. But as suddenly as she'd noticed, he was pulling back, an apology on his lips. Heat rushed out of her head and her muscles relaxed. She hadn't realized they were tensed.
"I can promise that I wouldn't still be holding your paw if I didn't- if it felt worse." The feeling of his thumb rubbing along her palm sent goosebumps up her arm. His smile was more comforting than words ever could have been. Her embarrassment lifted for a moment, replaced by reassurance. His next words, though, brought it back quickly enough. Again, she kicked herself for not realizing just how isolated Gilbert actually was. "It... it looks like you've got one here now," she said carefully, taking care not to say anything that might embarrass him. He clearly did not like to discuss the topic very much. Still, she couldn't help but add, "As long as all of our conversations aren't so... intense, I suppose." A breathy chuckle followed her words, but she didn't pursue the matter any further.
She looked at Gilbert expectantly, waiting for what she assumed was a change of topic. Her heart sank, though, when his ears flattened, and her blood ran cold before he even finished his sentence. "Oh. She couldn't fault him for his choice. If ever there was a time to ask that question, it was now. Still, tears pricked at her eyes, and she looked away in shame. "He hit me before I even- before I lived with him." Her voice was almost numb. God, she was so tired. "But then, when he- um, he put me in the basement eventually, and he would..." She cleared her throat and waited for the moisture in her eyes to dry before continuing. Her grip on his paw tightened instinctively. "He would come down every night - At least, I think every night - and..." She fell silent and shook her head.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 26, 2014 18:48:25 GMT -5
The tip of Gilbert's tail had curled, shortly after he had pulled away from the gold and black queen. He thought that Demeter was either embarrassed by his weak moment to touch her, or that she was regretful that he hadn't touched her. The second one, was most likely wishful thinking on his part. He did lower his face in shame though. It was bad that he had even thought about touching her in the first place, and now for just a split second he had wanted her to want to be touched. To have him inside her head. It was a violation, and he felt horrible for even considering it. His head rose back up when the feel of her paw still in his kept him from despairing for too long.
She was right, if he had really offended her, or had done something unforgivable, she wouldn't still be holding his paw. He felt compelled to let Demeter know that not all of his conversations were intense. That they could talk about the weather next time, happy that there was a next time. But his words caught in his throat and he felt overwhelmed. Just by her admitting to him that he had a friend, finally. He wasn't in the know about everything that entailed to a friendship, but just knowing that he had one was enough. And he was glad that he had it with Demeter. He did feel something towards her. Trust, probably. Though he knew he'd do what he could to keep her safe.
His face fell when he heard such despair in just the soft 'Oh' that had slumped out between her lips. Such a good start. He loosened his grip with their joined paws until he could remove his paw from holding onto hers. Not only had he been unable to keep her happy, to keep her smiling, he had brought this down on to her. He wanted to believe he could be a positive influence on Demeter, but there was evidence to the contrary. His ears were down, and though he did mumble out a pathetic apology to Demeter, it couldn't begin to make up for even bringing the subject up. Nothing could, and he knew that all too well.
Dragging his feet, he moved around her. His paws were shaky, having very little experience in reaching out to others. Still, he grabbed the blanket from around his shoulders and placed it softly around her body. It felt oddly fitting that he was now the one wrapping her up in the blanket she had wrapped around him a few minutes ago. He went down to his knees, and though wasn't sure if his presence would be welcomed, hugged the queen from behind. His arms wrapped around her chest, and he put his chin on her shoulder. The blanket a thin barrier between them. But didn't get in the way of him hugging her. "Deme, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. Sorry that you were victimized by Macavity and for me making you thinking of it once more." His voice was soft. Though his lips were close to her neck, and his breath caressed down the side of it. "I understand...if you don't...can't talk about it."
God did he understand. It left more then just a mark on him. That first hit had marred him emotionally. He could still feel it, the glass bottle break against the side of his face. The angry words. The fear that froze him to the floor and forced him to endure the entire tirade until Ny'mm had grown too exhausted and passed out on the floor beside him. Sleeping off the booze that reeked in the air. But even to this day he found it so hard to even mention the name of his father, let alone admit what his father did to him for years. Until he finally ran away. He buried his face in Demeter's shoulder, and spoke sincerely. "I am so sorry. I...I didn't..." His voice trailed away, not knowing hhow he could possibly make it up to Demeter. On how he could comfort her.
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Post by sansa on Oct 27, 2014 3:10:50 GMT -5
The loss of Gilbert's paw in her own was almost shocking to her. She felt as though she had stumbled, and she let her arm drop into her lap as her eyes closed. A small part of her worried that Gilbert would leave when she heard him stand up, though she had little reason to think so. Perhaps he was too overwhelmed, perhaps her reaction was the final straw and she had scared him off. The silence was suffocating, his soft footsteps and her own hollow heartbeat echoing in her head. The blanket over her shoulders, soft and familiar, was of little comfort. It wasn't until she sensed him behind her, until his arms were around her, that she found her breath again. When had she stopped breathing? A whimper escaped her lips, quiet and pitiful, and she sunk into Gilbert's embrace instinctively.
”I want to,” she said hoarsely, her throat straining to form the sounds. Her paws came up to hold onto Gilbert's arms, the blanket between them. She wished she could pull him ever closer, rest her head against his chest, lose herself in his arms. She trembled in his arms, his breath on her neck only adding to the shivers. ”I've never... God, I've never said anything about it... I feel so...” Would he judge her? The ugly thought tore at her. Would he leave in disgust, if he knew how happy she'd always been to see... to see him? How much she'd loved his touch, how she still thought of it some nights, alone in her bed? How, despite all evidence to the contrary, she still wondered if it had somehow all been her fault?
It was when he buried his face in her shoulder that her tears returned, and nothing stopped them from falling this time. ”Gilbert...” The thought of him blaming himself for her pain burned in her heart. ”N-no, Gilbert, I-” Sobs cut off her words, and she gripped his arms impossibly tightly, fingers tugging at the fabric of the blanket between them. ”This isn't... your fault, at all...” Her tail curled tightly against her thigh and she struggled to calm her breathing. ”I wish I could... I-I wish I could explain, but I... I'm so tired”
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2014 0:33:35 GMT -5
Gilbert couldn't have hated himself more then in that moment. Her voice was so despondent, so broken. He couldn't tell what from. The memories he stirred up, something she didn't want to face in those memories, his opinion of her now knowing more about her past. More he expected then anyone else knew. He knew they were now friends, but they'd only really started talking an hour or so ago. Maybe it was just easier to talk to a stranger about this then someone you've known for years. That's how it started off, he suspected. But they shared something that night. He was scared that her opinion of him might change the more he confided in her.
And her opinion mattered to him more then he thought it would. If she did suddenly think of him differently, he knew how upset he'd be. Were the same thoughts running through her mind? Or was he alone, like he had grown so accustomed to? It was the whimper from her that blindsided him. His breath caught in his throat and tears stung his eyes. He desperately wanted to comfort her more. Give her the only thing that would probably help her, but he couldn't risk touching her. He still couldn't deal with his own past, how was he to deal with the memories of her past in his head? "Don't Demeter. Don't." His voice was smooth, but his own thoughts and mind were anything but.
"You don't have to say a thing. I...Not a thing. I understand." He had been about to speak of Ny'mm, but this wasn't about him or Ny'mm. Not to mention the emotions in the room were already overwhelming them both. To bring another emotional ghost from the past into the den would only worsen things. He nuzzled her shoulder through the blanket, the only choice left to him to offer up as comfort. Words weren't going to do a darn thing. Still he tried. "There's nothing to explain, Deme. I shouldn't....I shouldn't have brought it up in the first place. I don't even know..." He stopped himself from lying. His need to get something off his chest had prompted him to ask that stupid question. And all it had brought was heartache.
Gilbert shifted on his knees, the hard ground already starting to feel uncomfortable. With his weight shifted, he scooted closer to Demeter. With his own guilt over drudging up past events that should remain in the past. His own memories of Ny'mm and guilt over sharing his thoughts between his father, and Deme (when they should have all been on Demeter), plagued his mind. He was too preoccupied from his inner turmoil, that he hadn't noticed that the blanket didn't cover the bottom half of her. The moment his knees pressed against her feet, his eyes widened. The first thought that had entered his mind was MACAVITY! His muscles tautened, but her death grip on his arms kept him from disengaging from behind her. His teeth gritted, as thoughts flooded into his head. The headache came to him then, but the first images of a memory flashed behind his eyes; a dark dank room, with a window high on the wall caused his breath to quicken at an unhealthy rate. His headache was a dull afterthought.
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Post by sansa on Oct 29, 2014 1:27:04 GMT -5
There was something so soothing about his voice, smooth and reassuring despite her hysterics. She wished she could believe him. It would have made sense to her for him to understand, especially after what he had shared with her. But... God, nobody had ever come close to understanding her before. Though she'd never told anybody... she'd never shared a thing about... Her grip on his arms tightened ever more. "I'm sorry, I-" She didn't know why she was apologizing. A force of habit, she supposed. She swallowed hard and choked out another sob. "I'm so t-tired of... not being able to... to... I can't..." She furrowed her brows in an attempt to control her emotions, but that only helped the tears fall faster. "Don't blame yourself, it... After what you've done for me... This isn't your fault, Gilbert, please believe-"
Her voice cut off when Gilbert's arms stiffened around her. "Gil..." she began questioningly, turning her head to see what had changed his demeanor. The expression on his face turned her blood cold. "Gilbert?" She wrapped her paw around his forearm without a thought in an attempt to ground him and comfort him. His fur was foreign to her touch, and she ran her thumb along his skin experimentally. Why was it so foreign? She puzzled for the shortest second before the realization hit her hard. Oh, god. Her paw tightened around his arm like a reflex. She had to let go. She had to let him go. Her heart was in her throat. A voice far in the back of her mind overpowered the voice of reason that was shouting at her to let go. What was he seeing? If he saw... would he understand? Would somebody finally understand? No. No! But it was so hard to explain. She had to let go! She couldn't let go. How could she let go? How could she give up an opportunity like this? This was wrong. This was the best option. This was cruel. This was liberating. This was a violation.
With a gasp, she released Gilbert's arm like it had burned her. A violation. Her heartbeat sped up, doubled, tripled. "Oh, god..." Her voice was low and guttural. Shame tore at her, and she pushed herself away from the tom, settling more than an arm's length away from him "Oh, god, Gilbert..." What had she done? How could she be so... so foolish, so selfish? She had seen his face. She had felt how his body stiffened. She recognized the pain, the trauma, and she had... she had held on. God, what had she done...
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2014 2:21:13 GMT -5
Though his eyes were wide open in fright, his line of vision was long gone. He was caught in the memory now swirling into clear and bold focus. The confusion, the feelings he ...she had been feeling, kept him frozen in the middle of Demeter's den. The beginning of a memory did tend to confuse him just long enough. He hadn't even felt her turn to face him and grip his arm. Too much was going on inside his head. It was overloading to all his senses and Gilbert had no defenses that he knew of to protect him from something like this. As much as he told Demeter, that he avoided contact because it was an invasion of privacy. He told her that he didn't want to put someone through that. Yet, in a way, it was just as much a violation to him, as well as to whomever he came into physical contact with. Fresh tears fell from his eyes.
The moment Demeter's paw was off of his arm, the moment he lost the only thing that seemed to have grounded him (despite the horrific memory) he lost his footing. Falling backwards, Gilbert moved as far away as he could from Demeter. He managed to curl himself into a corner of Demeter's den, whimpering. "He'll stop...He'll stop soon. Not him. It's not. He wouldn't do this to me. He loves me. I want him." Gilbert murmured, softly, trying so hard to convince himself of these things. He loved Macavity. That wasn't Macavity, Macavity would never do that to him. "He wouldn't." Gilbert cried out at his own thoughts, forgetting that so much of it was still in his head.
So much of it was hard to explain, how could he? He...Gilbert's body shivered, what he needed to do was breathe. He took in a shuddering breath as he looked up. The tears still tracked down his cheeks, but it was clear that he wasn't really looking at Demeter. He was still stuck in the dank basement, still confused by what he had done wrong, wanting Macavity to visit him more often, but ashamed each time. There was something wrong with him, there had to be. Gilbert's eyes looked above him, as though he were staring at something or someone. In Gilbert's still confused mind, a mind still processing all the new information, images, thoughts, and emotions now inside, only saw one tom in the den with him. Macavity, looming over him with an expression that was so foreign to him.
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Post by sansa on Oct 29, 2014 2:52:30 GMT -5
The way Gilbert just... launched himself away from her... Demeter's heart was cold and broken. The way he was holding himself, tucked into the corner, as small as he could manage. And his words, those whimpered words. Her words. Bile rose in her throat. She knew exactly what he had seen. Those words were etched on her skin, in her heart. A sick mantra that kept her company for months. God, how could she have thought that anything good could have come from touching him? She brought a shaking paw to her mouth to stop her from crying out. Any sudden movement or sound could trigger something even worse in the tom before her, for all she knew.
She could feel herself shutting down, the cold darkness pulling over her like a blanket. It would be so easy... No. No! She rubbed her eyes vigorously with her paw and bit hard on the inside of her cheek. No. She'd promised Gilbert she wouldn't be doing that, and she needed to be present now more than ever. God, what mess had she made? Both of them traumatized, Gilbert not even able to think properly, and for the sake of what? A desire to make somebody understand her pain? How disgusting it sounded to her now. Selfish, and stupid, and disgusting.
The blanket had been tossed aside in the commotion, and she stared at it helplessly. She could take it and wrap it around Gilbert, hold him as he'd held her moments ago... She looked away from it, settling her gaze back on Gilbert. No, touch was possibly the worst option in this situation. She wished she could just run out, leave the den and the Junkyard and be lost to the world. But... God, Gilbert just looked so traumatized. Was that how she had looked? "Gilbert..." The name crept cautiously across the den.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 29, 2014 3:19:06 GMT -5
Gilbert was still huddled in a ball, wrapped in the corner of the den. He felt like his mind was fracturing, so long had it been since he had such a big incident with his abilities. There was the faint touches on occasion and some random thoughts, emotions or flashes. That had been expected. But a full memory of an event, hadn't rammed into his for a year now. Unfortunately, in his minds desperation to process the images, to get through the ordeal then be crammed to the back of his subconscious afterwards, the image of Macavity faded, being replaced by the image of Ny'mm.
The dull, green eyes, so full or anger and rage. His lips peeled up into a sneer as he gazed down at Gilbert with such distaste. As if every hit would somehow change the fact that he was his son. But every morning, he was greeted by the sight of his pathetic son. When he saw the imagined image of Ny'mm raise his paw in a threatening way, Gilbert flinched and lurched backwards. Out of the ball, but his body was unsuccessfully trying to meld into the wall behind him. "NO! NY, NO MORE!" Gilbert cried out, his voice broken, shaky, but now no longer with the demure infliction of Demeter's voice. His tone was definitely all Gilbert.
No more. I can't take it anymore.
With shallow breathing, he blinked his eyes and brought a gloved paw to the side of his head. He groaned in pain, more from the lingering shadows of the memory, the emotional turmoil on top of the physical harm, then the headache now pounding against the sides of his head. His ice-blue eyes finally looked around, relaxing slightly at the sight of Demeter's den. Not the past. His body tensed once more when he saw the distance between Demeter and himself, and how shaken the queen was. She looked so ...he couldn't even put words to it, but she had clearly been affected by what had just transpired. He was still gripping the side of his head, but his eyes did soften somewhat when he looked upon Demeter.
"Demeter..." His voice traveled across the enduring silence. "I..." And what could he really say to make any of this better? It wasn't your fault? I'm better now? His scrubbed the paw holding the side of his head through his mane. In truth, it gave him conflicting issues. Demeter's conflicting emotions; the anticipation of seeing the tom she loved despite knowing what that entailed, on top of his own history with Ny'mm. He had loved his father, but it was easy to hate, and fear him. To whimper whenever his drunk ass came back home. Ny'mm had despised him, he had never loved Gilbert. He was just confused. He lowered his head to his knees. "It's...I'm...Deme..." He couldn't deal with the aftermath of his feelings, but he knew he could at least reassure Demeter. "I'm sorry..." It was all he could come up with, and it took him a second to realize he was responding the way Demeter might.
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