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Post by sansa on Oct 7, 2014 0:39:31 GMT -5
Demeter's ears drooped. The air in the den had changed. No longer was it heavy with grief and shame; now it was charged with anxious electricity. "I'm really very sorry, Gilbert, I really didn't mean to- It's not that I wanted you to, or anything, I just..." She pulled her face up out of her paw, but found that she could not meet his eyes, so she stared at the ground near his feet. Her fur bristled unpleasantly. "I don't spend much time around mystics, I'm afraid I don't exactly know the etiquette." A breathy laugh danced through the air, spiked with anxiety.
Guilt tugged at her stomach and she met his gaze, trying to discern his emotions. "It's not your fault, it was just... a mistake. I didn't think." Her cheeks burned at the mention of her love for Macavity, but she knew there was no ill meaning behind his words. It was so odd, speaking with somebody who knew... "I don't think your powers would exactly prevent you from being close to someone," she continued carefully. "If you want that for yourself, then... the right cat will be there."
She was suddenly very uncomfortable sitting on the cushions. It was like she was under interrogation. She stood carefully and, after a moment's hesitation, turned to refold the blanket she'd been sitting on. "Not that I can really speak for healthy relationships." She had meant for it to be a joke, but the quiet words had a bitter gravity to them.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2014 1:07:18 GMT -5
Gilbert shrugged,"Don't. Like you, I don't really talk...about anything. I don't really...I'm not." He sighed, cursing his sudden inability to form a sentence. "I was not prepared for that question. Or any...about me. I hide, it's what I'm best at." Gilbert was about to sigh again, but stopped himself. He was berating himself now. "And I'm over here trying to justify myself, after bullying you to talk about something so uncomfortable to you." He wanted to ask if she hated him. After what he just did to her, and here he was keeping quiet about himself. He just didn't...couldn't. Gilbert didn't trust anyone enough.
There was something between he and Demeter. An understanding. However, he was still scared something of his past he might (might) tell her would slip out later. Demeter would never do anything like that intentionally. Then he had to look to his other paw, metaphorically. She had taken an incredible risk, by telling him something no one else knew. Gilbert stiffened. He was going to do what he always did. Ignore it. Demeter hadn't flat out asked him anything that would damn him. Most of the jellicles knew he was a mystic, even if they didn't know his capabilities. So as long as they continued talking about his telepathy, then he considered himself safe.
Burdening Demeter with his sob story, was not how he wanted to be remembered. And it wasn't the best way to make a friend. Tilting his head, he allowed himself to think seriously on her advice. "Maybe. I suppose there might be creative ways around my ...touch problem." To be honest, he didn't dare let himself even think romantically for another. Some lustful fantasies, but that was natural. But actually thinking of ways he could be involved without crossing that line and invading his or hers privacy, had never entered his mind. Which cat would be patient enough and understanding enough for that? Hopeless. His thoughts were immediately crushed by that one word. It had sneaked up on him, and gave him a rude gesture to boot.
"Yeah, my experience wasn't healthy either." His voice was on automatic, while his thoughts were so chaotic, and so darn hopeless for future plans. The fact that he had answered Deme, and truthfully hadn't crossed his mind. The question had taken him by surprise, and he had instantly thought of the only experience he had had. Siobhan. His brain had finally caught up with his words, and the flashes of Siobhan in his mind gave him a shudder. It had happened years ago, but the memories were now back in the front of his mind. Making him feel like it had only happened to him a few hours ago. He hid his eyes from Demeter, his body tensing, while he tried to push the memories back. He had a feeling Demeter didn't black out and or was ignorant to his new posture, and unusual behavior. "I guess we're more alike then I thought. Like two peas in a pod." Gilbert spoke, his voice rough and forced. His attempt to steer her away.
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Post by sansa on Oct 7, 2014 1:34:49 GMT -5
What was he hiding? There had to be something deeper, there had to be a storm in that tom. "Firm persuasion at best, Gilbert. I'd hardly call that bullying." A soft smile tugged at her lips as warmth spread in her heart, cementing a place in there for the tom before her. "You don't have to talk about your powers. If you can believe it, I have a little bit of an understanding when it comes to staying silent."
She kept her paws busy folding and re-folding the blanket, but her eyes were peeking up at Gilbert constantly. Selfishly, she thought of what would have happened if he had touched her. Having someone around who had not only heard her story, but understood the deepest corners of her heart. It was an intoxicating thought... But she wouldn't wish her demons on anybody. "I'm sure you would be surprised," she remarked offhandedly. She was sure there were plenty of cats who would be happy in such a limited relationship. Though, would Gilbert? I would, she let herself think, though somewhat grievous.
His final response stilled her paws, and she brought her gaze up to rest on his guarded face. Her suspicions were confirmed, though she didn't feel particularly victorious about it. "Gilbert." The name left her mouth like a breath. There was care in her voice, but no pity. It was loaded with compassion and question, asking if he wanted to continue.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2014 22:11:03 GMT -5
With his face, or more precisely his eyes, hidden, Gilbert found himself oddly soothed. It was a veil, nothing more. But even just the comfort of a barrier helped him calm down. As given away by his shoulders sagging in defeat. How much longer did he really think he could go on pretending nothing had happened? It hadn't been ten years yet, and Gilbert wasn't sure he could hold things in that long. If he tried, he'd most likely break, he just had to admit it to himself. A far cry away from admitting it aloud or to another cat.
It wasn't exactly what he was expecting, but it did give him hope. That Demeter didn't hate him. But he was fairly certain they weren't friends yet. Even if they did understand each other better. He did appreciate that Demeter was trying to be supportive. And he could see several different ways to get closer, to have a semi-normal relationship. But it had to be with a queen or a tom who was understanding, patient and creative...though some might call it kinky. That had momentarily distracted him, until he heard the silence. An eerie reflection of the silence Gilbert had been engulfed in, before waking up to Siobhan on top of him. He had suddenly felt the notion to choke. The den felt too small, the air was too thin to breath.
And in one word, the panic bubbling up his throat ebbed away and finally disappeared. Demeter's soft and grounding voice had called out to him. He looked up at her, the tears welling up, but refusing to fall. She, she was different. He did feel something for Demeter in that moment. Just a small spark, but Gilbert was already overwhelmed by the rush of emotions threatening to overtake him, that he couldn't even begin to place it. And with everything else he was feeling, it took a back seat. "I-" His throat was dry, and the word had barely been audible. Swallowing down hard, Gilbert took in a shaky breath. He was already shaking his head as he spoke. "I...didn't say no. I." His voice broke, but he had to continue. "I wanted it. That's what she said...to me, after."
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Post by sansa on Oct 8, 2014 0:32:02 GMT -5
Seeing tears in Gilbert's eyes threatened to bring similar tears to Demeter's own eyes, but she fought it back with a hard swallow. It would not be helpful, or at all necessary, to cry during this. She almost regretted speaking up, seeing how his face had changed at the one simple word. But maybe... Demeter typically wasn't very useful, but maybe she could help him half as much as he'd helped her already. Her paws stilled, the blanket hanging loosely in front of her, as his words hit her like a Pollicle.
Without a second thought, Demeter was on her knees in front of Gilbert. Far enough that he would hopefully not feel crowded, but close enough to reach out and hold his paw, if he needed that. The blanket she'd been folding was gathered on top of her thighs, clenched in her paws. She knew the implications of his words. How had she not suspected it already? The way he'd been speaking to her... How could somebody know exactly which words to use, which buttons to push, without some sort of experience? Her heart reached out for him, ached for him, broke for him, and she pushed down the urge to wrap her arms around him.
"She's not the one who decides how you feel," she said, barely a whisper. She didn't bother asking for details. She knew what she needed to know, and it was up to him if he wanted her to know more. If he really had wanted it to happen, she would have understood. How could she not understand? But his words made her fur bristle. Whoever the 'she' was, Demeter mistrusted her already.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2014 0:53:12 GMT -5
The cream colored tom was still experiencing and thinking of the time with Siobhan. So much so that he hadn't even realized that Demeter moved and was now on her knees in front of him. He was still gazing at where she had been previously. There was almost a fog over his eyes, blinding him to everything around him. His breath was still coming in shaky gasps, as he did his best to gloss over the memories, without succumbing to them. Fidgeting paws, did nothing to ease his mind, and a hidden thought of breaking down scared. Scared him enough to take in a breath, blink his eyes, and notice Demeter had suddenly gotten closer to him.
"I should have tried harder...to push her off." He shook his head. Deep down, he knew it wasn't his fault, not entirely at least. But he was 14 years old. Siobhan had all but told him that he asked for it, wanted it. She was the only female figure in his life, he had looked up to her for guidance, and sought out her advice as though she were his mother. What else could a traumatized and naive young tom do but to believe her? And he still couldn't help himself. He still tried to think of the 'what if' scenarios. "But...I was in too much pain. I just...couldn't."
Years of self-loathing, were beginning to shine through. Instead of where those angry feelings should have been direct, at them. But no, he ended up aiming all that at himself. A single tear came out of the corner of his right eye, and trailed down his cheek. "I trusted her...you know. I was only...fourteen." He bit his lip, hanging his head just enough to cause his mane to cover his eyes. "I'm ....I shouldn't be troubling...or laying that on you. ...Sorry." His words were soft.
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Post by sansa on Oct 8, 2014 1:10:30 GMT -5
Only fourteen? Horror washed over Demeter. As horrifying as her own experience had been, at least she'd reached twenty by the time she'd met Macavity. An adult, a queen grown and matured. He'd only been a kitten... She decided at that moment that she hated this queen, despised her with everything she could muster. To take advantage of a kitten so young, so malleable? He'd barely been older than Electra. Cold sweat gathered on her palms and she twisted her paws over the blanket.
"Gilbert." There was an endless weight in the word; compassion, empathy, care, sorrow, and ache hung on each letter. Her voice caught in her throat, and she stared absently at his knees. She did her best to avoid looking up at his face. He was obviously trying to keep it hidden, and she understood the compulsion. "You can say anything you need to say. I... I want you to feel..." Safe? Comfortable? Neither of those words seemed to fit. Neither of those words seemed attainable. "I'll listen."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2014 1:32:46 GMT -5
He shook, more then just his head. His whole body shook. This was one of the things he'd never told anyone before. He wasn't prepared for how exposed he felt. The trauma of the past, of that memory, and sharing it...he had nothing to compare that to. Before talking with Demeter, he had been on his own, and had to deal with everything on his own. No support. Now, it was something he couldn't even describe. There was some weight lifted, but he felt the guilt of burdening Demeter (no matter what she said) erased the weight being lifted; cancelled it out.
Gilbert though, didn't know how to stop now that he had actually opened that door. Had told Demeter. "I ...don't even know what to say." How much should he even tell her. She'd no doubt stare at him in disgust if he told her that Siobhan was the closest thing he had to a mother, if she was still alive. He couldn't handle her compassionate eyes now, turning into revulsion. "She...was helping me with something. I...god, this is harder then I thought." Gilbert's body was still shivering, mostly in shame. "I...I want to...I just. I...Is it my fault?"
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Post by sansa on Oct 8, 2014 1:50:58 GMT -5
Goodness, he was shaking like a leaf. Demeter knew it wasn't from a chill, but she still felt the urge to put the blanket over his shoulders. She wasn't sure, though, how he'd react to something so close to contact. And if he was anything like her, he already felt suffocated enough. Hesitantly, she resisted the urge. But she had to do something. Her words wouldn't enough, they couldn't be enough, they would never be enough. She hoped that the fact that she was listening at all helped him. The weight of her burden had lightened in a way she didn't know they could, simply because she had been able to share with someone.
"No." It was soft, quiet, but instant. "Gilbert, no. I don't know what she was... I don't think that was ever meant to be helping you." She said it carefully, not sure how exactly he felt about the queen. She didn't want to risk upsetting him more by insulting someone who was still settled in his heart, as Macavity was for her. Pained, feeling that she was not doing enough, she reached her paw slowly toward his. "Can..."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2014 2:11:40 GMT -5
Gilbert was too confused by all his emotions and every thought that seemed to be rushing at him. He wasn't even aware if he was crying, and didn't know how badly his body was shaking. He did nod his head, acknowledging he had heard Demeter's words and accepted them. Siobhan had been helping him with the injuries he had sustained from his abusive father. That was just something he didn't want Demeter to know. Not yet. His revealing of one of his darker secrets was enough for now. He didn't know how Demeter would even take the news of his abusive father on top of what he had already told her. He just wasn't ready to tell anyone about Ny'mm yet. He did more damage then even Gil wanted to admit to.
He raised his head back up to Demeter, the tears streaking down his cheeks, and still falling from his eyes. "This is so sick...I'm sick!" He nearly shouted. But he did not flinch away from Demeter's approaching paw. Whether because he didn't notice, or he subconsciously needed a comforting touch. "Deme." His voice sounded so far away, so soft, and so desperate and hollow at the same time. "She was...my father's squeeze...the only mother figure I knew." He wrapped his arms around his body. Still shivering from the silent sobs wracking his form. "My step-mum...and she...why?"
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Post by sansa on Oct 8, 2014 2:22:42 GMT -5
Demeter's head ached at the effort that it took not to cry along with him. He'd gone from a wonderfully sweet, helpful young tom to a shivering wreck in a matter of minutes. She felt sick to her stomach, knowing that the poor cat before her had gone through hell. She couldn't stop the reflexive flinch when he raised his voice, and she prayed to the Everlasting Cat that he didn't see. It was not because he was scaring her. Only that she knew, to some degree, the pain he felt. It tore at her ragged heart.
With slow, fluid movements, she pulled herself up to kneel upright next to him. She shook out the blanket and, being careful not to touch him directly, draped it across his shoulders. Her fingers brushed the back of one of his gloved paws. "You're not sick. You're not..." She sank back down to sit on her heels again, closer to him than she had been. "Some cats are- are just bad. And they do bad things." Her mind searched hopelessly for the right words. A struggle, especially when she herself barely believed them. "And it is not because of you." Though quiet as a mouse, the whispers seemed to fill the den.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2014 2:44:31 GMT -5
Gilbert bit his bottom lip, once it dawned on him just how much he had revealed, and how bad he probably looked to the gold and black queen. The telepath gazed at his shoulders, oddly grateful for the blanket around his shoulders. He pulled it further around his shoulders and arms, wrapping himself in it. "Thanks." His voice broke through the silent sobs still shaking his body. Just not as much or as violent anymore. "I...It's just hard to shut it, once it's been opened. I didn't mean to..."
Closing his eyes, was the only way he could express...or conceal the guilt he felt. "Easier if they have reasons..." Gilbert's eyelids slowly opened, and he observed Demeter's paw touch, barely, the top of his paw. Macavity didn't have any reasons for how he had treated Demeter, or if he had, he didn't reveal them to her. It was something else Demeter shared with him. Could understand. Turning his paw under Deme's, he left it up to her, whether or not she was comfortable holding his. "I want to believe that." How could he explain to her why he didn't?
That, bringing all this up made him remember something Siobhan had said. That the only reason she had stayed with his father for so long, was because of him. Maybe it wasn't his fault, but it was still him. She liked him, as though that justified her actions. He blinked. "I...give me time. I...can finally. It wasn't my fault." He stated, though he was still trying to convince himself of that. "Some young adult I turned out to be." He tried to crack a smile, though forced as it was, as he wiped away the wetness from his face with his free paw.
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Post by sansa on Oct 8, 2014 2:58:39 GMT -5
Demeter nodded in understanding. She didn't want to think about how much she'd revealed, not yet. But it was true - it was hard to stop. The relief of opening up to somebody, especially after years of silence, was intoxicating. Possibly masochistic, she thought. Like throwing up after being sick for days, she thought with a sardonic look in her eyes. "It's okay, Gilbert." His name was already familiar to her lips, and it came out smoothly.
With a painful throb in her heart, she sighed. "I suppose, yes..." Her fingers shook momentarily, but stilled when she wrapped them around his paw. The familiar weight of his paw in hers slowing her pounding heart somewhat. "Maybe some day you will. Maybe some day we'll... it'll be better." She shrugged helplessly. Hopeless optimism had to be better than constant pessimism, right?
"Of course." Her thumb rubbed slightly at the back of his paw. A reflex, mostly. She almost laughed at his last statement. "Hey, you're young. There's still time for you, at lea-" She broke off guiltily. It wasn't that she hadn't meant it. She was an adult already, and with a daughter from a maniac. She'd lost hope for a bright future long ago. But her focus should have been on Gilbert.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2014 12:40:17 GMT -5
Gilbert still felt like he was a preteen again. Dragging old memories up, no doubt made him feel like that. He did hear Demeter, and he wasn't purposely ignoring her. But he wasn't sure what more he could say. He couldn't out right agree with her, because he wasn't going to feel better about what had happened to him. Not right away. "I feel guilty for pouring all of that onto you." He mumbled under his breath, though wasn't sure if Demeter had heard him or not. But her last uttered words rang into his hearing, loud and clear.
His stare on her was hard, and sometimes he did wish he could read surface thoughts, without being in physical contact with someone else. It'd make it easier for him to really understand or know what was going on. He bit the inside of his cheek, as he curiously went over her words. He kept the contact with their paws, it helped more then he cared to admit. "What are you talking about Demeter? You're young as well, and you're a knockout...Umm..." Gilbert had thought she was...doing better then him. Not emotionally. Just, she had friends and support in the junkyard, which he did not. He also thought she was involved in a better relationship with Munkustrap.
"We can pretend I didn't say that...right? I just, thought you were involved...with Munkustrap. He's handsome, and seems stable." The telepath, was guilty of harboring a crush on the silver tabby, but he assumed the tom was straight. No chance for a relationship, and no chance to get hurt either. Gilbert didn't know why Demeter seemed down again. "Or are you talking about...something not even related to finding new love?"
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Post by sansa on Oct 14, 2014 8:41:25 GMT -5
"Oh, Gilbert," Demeter sighed. She continued rubbing her thumb along the back of his knuckles. The material of the gloves was unfamiliar, but it was easy to acquaint herself with the ridges of his bones, the way his muscles moved under his skin. "After what I've put you through today - and what you've done for me - I... The way I see it, we-" How could she explain it? And what if he didn't believe the same? She felt as though they'd built something, some sort of understanding. Like Gilbert was in her corner now. After all, she was in his.
Demeter had the decorum to look away. The compliment brought a blush to her cheeks, though, she couldn't deny it. Spending most of her time with Bombalurina meant that compliments like that usually passed her by. Not that Demeter cared very much. She didn't quite have the constitution to handle that kind of attention regularly. "Forgotten," she said softly, with the straightest face she could muster. "Munkustrap?" She laughed at that, a tinkling giggle that was equal parts frantic and gentle. "No, we... We thought once that we might, uh-" She certainly wasn't confused as to why so many Jellicles thought she and Munkustrap were an 'item'. They had been once, and had maintained a very close relationship since then, but it wasn't in the cards. "Munkustrap is like a brother, I suppose."
Her face flickered and threatened to fall at his last question. It wasn't something she ever gave a lot of thought. It's not that it was particularly depressing to her. She'd resigned herself to the fate long ago. But she'd never really put it into words, and had absolutely never discussed it with anybody else. "I just meant..." She probably could have talked her way out of it, but there would be no point to that. Her voice dropped back to a whisper, her gaze on her lap. "I'm not really... 'relationship material', for lack of a better word. There's- there's not much use in spending my energy on anything other than Electra's upbringing, I guess."
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