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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2014 19:04:19 GMT -5
He was still staring at her body posture, the shine of the tears in her eyes, her closed off expression. Who was he really to try and worm passed her defenses? What right did he have to force her to open up? What made him think talking about something she clearly was in denial of it ever happening, was the best idea? Gilbert had never talked about his past, never opened up, wanted to be left alone to deal with or ignore his own trauma. And he was still left in the dark, isolated and separate from everyone else. His past never had him on the verge of passing out. His past never left him frozen and stuck replaying bad memories over and over again in his mind. His past didn't leave others at risk. So perhaps he was a hypocrite, but he didn't let his own demons run his life, he buried them so he'd never have to deal with them.
He looked back down at his paws and moved and flexed his fingers. Finally, he made a decision. He didn't care that she left him in the lurch with the two henches. His life had never meant anything to anyone who was suppose to love him, and he didn't have any friends who'd really care about him if he had gotten seriously hurt. And he was sure her friends would have picked up the slack and would have understood Demeter's reaction. However, if any of the kittens of the tribe had been in the situation with her. Gilbert didn't want that on his conscious, and Demeter was in denial now, but he had a feeling she would have felt even worse if something like that were to ever happen. Closing the distance between them, Gilbert sat down on the floor in front of Demeter. He was close enough to where he could touch her but far enough away that he wasn't crowding her space.
"Can't believe I'm going to say this. But I get you." They probably didn't have the same experiences, or maybe they have, to an extent. But he got it. "I know...what it's like. When you can't. You feel suffocated, if you ever told everyone's eyes would be on you like they knew all your hidden secrets." He shivered slightly, then added with some disgust,"The pity." He shook his head, his eyes glued to his toes. "No one knows anything about me, and I like it that way. I could never..." His back tensed slightly, and his eyes glared at his toes, but the feeling didn't go away. "I think you need to talk about it. You've ignored whatever it is for so long, you think you've overcome it, yeah? Well you're wrong. If tonight is any honkin' clue bus. Your way is not working anymore. If...if any of the kittens had been in my place tonight. How would you be feeling right now?"
Gilbert started to raise his paw, to wipe away at her tears, with Demeter, but refrained and dropped his paw back into his own lap. "What is so bad that you can't talk to me about? You don't know me, but I would die before I looked at you with pity. And I wouldn't tell anyone else...or is it because I'm a stranger. Do...Would you rather talk with Bombalurina...or Jennyanydots?" Perhaps that was why she was so obstinate about talking to him, not that he could blame her.
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Post by sansa on Oct 5, 2014 19:23:40 GMT -5
Her body rocked with the sobs that she was desperately keeping down, the strain of it tearing at her throat and turning her face red. She couldn't do it, she couldn't break. It was a game, it was his game, and if she broke... If she broke, he won. And she'd be nothing more than a victim, a story mothers told their kits to keep them inside at night, plagued by pitying looks and whispers behind her back. She dug the heels of her paws into her eyes when she sensed Gilbert come closer.
His every word tore at her, ripping her seams and bursting in her heart. Nobody understood. Nobody ever had. But the way he spoke... Cats didn't just say things like that, not if they didn't understand. She was so tired... Why couldn't she just be okay? Another sob left her lips, a throaty cry of despair that echoed around the den. She didn't want to be like this. She wanted to have been able to protect Gilbert, she wanted to be able to protect Electra. Her heart was in her throat, and she drew another shuddering breath, trying to find the will to speak.
"I... can't talk to them..." she said haltingly. Her body trembled. "The way they'd look at me... And what if Electra heard, what if she-" She tried to draw another breath, but it caught in her throat and she sobbed again. Her voice was a whisper of a whisper, scratchy and silent. "If I'm not... If I... he'd win... Gilbert, I can't..." She hid her face in her paws again, tears falling freely.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2014 21:21:54 GMT -5
Gilbert couldn't help but feel for the withdrawn queen. He wasn't heartless. However, she was too withdrawn to really do much talking. Gilbert really hadn't expected much, though he was one of the few in the junkyard that could possibly relate to whatever Demeter was hanging on to. However, just saying, 'I can help you', didn't seem like enough and was too simple. His ears were up and he heard everything that she was saying. But, 'You could talk to me', seemed too corny and stupid. He could relate, but talking, comforting, it was harder then it looked.
His lips twitched and he frowned. "Are you listening to yourself, Deme? Hiding, the tears, freezing up...your reaction whenever he's near or when someone mentions his name. You're already letting him win. Or at best it's a draw." He shrugged. "It's true, we don't know each other, but I saw you at the ball, Demeter. You're a fighter. Don't settle for a draw." He closed his eyes, and his head drooped. "Was it psychological torture...Abuse...? Worse?" He threw out instances, not sure where to go from there. Even if she did start talking to him, was it safe for him? He ran the risk of seeing flashes from his own past that he kept buried. "I don't know. Maybe your right. Avoid the past at all costs...it didn't happen."
Shit. Now he was trying to convince himself of something, wasn't he?
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Post by sansa on Oct 5, 2014 21:39:12 GMT -5
Demeter's shallow breath rang in her ears, and though Gilbert's voice sounded miles away, she hung on to every word. She still remembered how she was when she was younger, before it had all happened. She hardly knew that cat. It had just been a part of growing up, she told herself, she had just matured since then. But she was wrong. And she knew it. She was so tired of lying to herself.
With her face still in her paws, she spoke in a hoarse whisper. "They talk about him like he's a monster. But they don't-" Pain was laced in her voice. "He wasn't... God, he was just..." A fresh wave of sobs overcame her and she waited for them to pass. "I don't want to be like this. I loved him, and he-" Every sentence was cut off by a shaky inhale. Her body trembled and ached, every muscle tensed. "I don't know why. H-he hurt me so much, and I don't know why, and I feel so stupid, I'm so stupid."
Instantly, she was ten years younger, waking up in a strange place with a strange queen hovering over her. She had been so scared, so confused. How she had just ran away, without even looking back. She rubbed her face and looked at Gilbert again with red eyes. God, he was barely out of kittenhood and he was showing more strength than her. Her ears burned again and she wiped at her eyes. "H-he was so sweet at first. And then... then he wasn't." The scenes flashed through her head, so quickly that she didn't have time to think before they tumbled out of her mouth. "I couldn't leave his room. And when I did-" A shaky breath cut her off and she shook her head, returning her face to her paw.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2014 22:10:05 GMT -5
So he wasn't a monster...or he was now? Gilbert was having a hard time following her words. He didn't need to know exactly what she was trying to say. Her emotions were coming out clear. Once again, his paw raised up. He paused beginning to rethink making contact or supplying her with support. At the sound of her inhaled gasp as she continued to speak, Gilbert placed a paw on top of hers. The gloves providing protection from hurting himself with her memories and keeping him from invading her privacy. "I don't know why the ones we love end up hurting us, either. It's confusing, and damaging."
Gilbert didn't even bat an eye that Demeter had loved Macavity once upon a time. Gilbert was involved with his step-mom...without his consent, but it was still messed up. He couldn't and wouldn't judge. "It's not stupid to fall in love. And you were in love, even when he began to change. I don't know his reasons or intentions, but it wasn't wrong of you to still feel feelings for him. Is that why you're so upset? Or why are you punishing yourself...?" Gilbert had already confessed he was bad at the words, so there was no need to repeat himself. "Electra...she's...she's your daughter with Macavity?"
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Post by sansa on Oct 5, 2014 22:34:41 GMT -5
While once she would have shied away, Demeter found the brief contact comforting. Tears still fell, sobs still shook her body, but every word that spilled out of her mouth lifted an immeasurable weight off her tired shoulders. Gilbert was listening. Just listening, helping, not pitying. "It's sick," she said bitterly. She dropped her paws into her lap and automatically began to rub one of them up and down the top of her thigh.
"He said he was training me." It was a quiet murmur, almost a passing comment if not for the heaviness behind it. She shook her head helplessly. "I loved him through all of it..." Her paw maintained its steady rubbing. Up and down her thigh. Up and down. Breath in. Up. Breath out. Down. "I went with him- How do I explain that to them? I went with him willingly, and even when he h-hurt me..." She sobbed openly this time, finding some sort of relief in it. "I still loved him, every night. And I still-" Could she go on? She barely admitted this to herself, not even in the darkness of night, alone in her bed. "Not him, not like this, but I still... how could I stop loving him? I don't-"
The confession caught in her throat and she closed her eyes in defeat. She didn't even know how to go about explaining that. She had loved a tom once, and that tom was dead. She nodded miserably in response to Gilbert's question. "She doesn't know. Nobody knows. I... I think the older ones suspect, but- there are rumors, but I've never said anything about-" She looked up Gilbert pleadingly, not sure what she even wanted from him.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 5, 2014 23:20:28 GMT -5
Gilbert squeezed Demeter's paw, before she moved her paws away and into her lap. It was more awkward that he didn't know what to do with his limbs, but he himself didn't feel so awkward anymore. Gil definitely felt like he was at the right place at the right time for once. He shook his head,"Training you?" That sounded dubious and demented, but from the reputation on the streets and in the jellicle tribe, it was what one would expect from Macavity. "Look Deme, I don't presume to know or understand Macavity's intentions or plans. But love knows no bounds. Everything he put you through is NOT your fault. He probably used the love you had for him to his advantage."
He shook his head, trying to get the memories of his father's abusive paw out of his head. "Not my fault...your fault." He corrected. "Whatever he did to you is on him. Almost forgot that...Suppose I should take my own advice." He stopped rambling, not wanting to confuse a already tense situation between them. "Nevermind." He mumbled, his own voice strained from the emotions coming from Demeter and now himself. "My point is that it's not going to happen overnight, but you need to realize that you weren't at fault. He was."
With a long face, he began to chew on his bottom lip. Raising his ice-blue eyes, he looked directly into her red puffy ones. "I'll keep Electra's heritage to myself. She's too young to know anyway." He didn't add on that all young fatherless queens eventually start inquiring about him. Demeter already knew that moment was going to happen in the future. The pleading look from Demeter ensnared him and kept his stare. "Do you still love him?" It was a simple queestion, and he asked it without any judgments. But he wanted to know if he wasn't alone. Despite everything Ny'hmm put him through, he still ...he did...but he didn't want to.
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Post by sansa on Oct 5, 2014 23:48:37 GMT -5
Demeter bit hard on the inside of her trembling lip. "He said I could be an Empress." Embarrassment burned inside her, and shame at the fact that she was still so pleased that he'd seen that in her. "He did love me," she said, a mixture of stubbornness and humiliation. "At first. I-I think he did. Whenever we were together he was always so..." Her paw stilled and dug into her thigh. She had nothing to compare it to, but... no average cat could touch another like that. She hated herself for loving it, even after all these years.
Gilbert's words confused her, but he continued on before she thought to question it. She tucked it into the back of her mind, next to her question about his gloves. As he continued, she shook her head. "It's been ten years," she said lowly. "I... It should have happened already. I thought I was strong, I thought- I'm so stupid." She released her thigh finally to wipe her hand clumsily under her eyes.
A rush of warmth once again rushed over her, and the only thing keeping her from hugging Gilbert was the humiliation of the conversation. "Thank you," she finally said, quietly, knowing it was not enough. She took a few more breaths. Though the tears still fell, her breaths were coming more smoothly. But Gilbert's last question tripped her, and she looked at him helplessly. Could she explain it? She'd loved Macavity. And then he changed. She never knew why, but she knew it couldn't have been the same cat that she had known before. "I..." She could have easily lied, or outright refused to answer, but a look into Gilbert's eyes told her that she had to say it out loud. "Yes."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 0:29:48 GMT -5
He listened, it seemed to appease her more that he was just there listening. He did give her a small smile at her mention of being an empress. "That must have been a good feeling, at the time. Did he treat you well in the beginning?" He hoped so. Just because a queen took advantage of him in his weakened state, didn't mean he had a generalized hatred for all queens. Quite the opposite. He had a harder time trusting queens, because of that incident, but he never disrespected a queen. Getting his mind away from his inner thoughts, he was brought back as Demeter spoke once more. His eyes briefly flicked to her thigh, noticing her paw digging into her thigh.
If it wasn't such a dangerous area, Gilbert would have put her paw in his. No need to hurt herself, but he didn't want to overstep his boundaries. So instead, his paw lightly touched her knee, rubbing it gently to ease her emotions, or give her something else to focus on. "It's been ten years because you haven't had an ornery tom pushing you to face your past." Gil spoke to lighten the mood at his expense. He did add on, seriously. "Everyone deals with things differently. Time doesn't matter. And your not stupid. Not for falling in love with him, not for keeping all this to yourself for so long." He paused, dropping his voice to something just above a whisper. "And your not stupid for still loving him. But chew on this, maybe it'll help you. I think you're still in love with the tom he use to be, not the tom he is now."
The timing seemed to be right, but Gilbert rarely read these situations right. Mainly for avoiding them like the plague. But he went for it. His paw gently moved to the paw on her thigh. He ran his fingers over the top of her paw before curling around. He picked up her paw to stop gripping her thigh and held on tightly. "Don't thank me, Demeter. I didn't do anything. You're the one who started talking. That takes strength." He gave her a gentle smile, but his eye diverted to gaze at the wall. His own eyes shone with unshed tears that he just felt and wanted to hide.
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Post by sansa on Oct 6, 2014 0:44:01 GMT -5
Demeter nodded, more animated than she had been. "He was so good to me." She remembered what a gentleman he had been, calling her 'miss'. And he'd had the gentlest of touches. Her eyes shone with tears, but also with the pleasure of the memory. She didn't often think about it. Thinking about it tended to lead to thinking about everything, and, well, that was what she spent all her energy on avoiding.
Gilbert's touch on her knee made her relax her legs a bit, but her shoulders were still tense and hunched, her arms ready to lash out at any threat. A terse laugh danced briefly across her face. He was right, he hadn't given her much of an option. "I know," she muttered. Not stubbornly, not annoyed. Just accepting. "But I can't stop thinking... maybe that tom is still there somewhere. He... I don't know where he went..." She shrugged mutely and sniffled.
Something sparked deep within her when she felt his fingers around her paw, and she shifted it to hold on just as tightly as he was. Strength. She could have laughed. There was hardly any strength involved. It had all been waiting under the surface, waiting for her to slip. Still, her hazel eyes met his blue ones warmly, and the ghost of a smile touched her lips. She wasn't sure what words to use to express the deep gratitude. She wasn't sure if she could even bring herself to thank him again, considering how sore her heart was. Instead she rubbed her thumb along the back of his hand and asked, "Why are you wearing gloves?"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 1:07:26 GMT -5
"That's good." Gilbert reiterated. Deluded as it was, Gilbert would have felt the need to beat a lesson into Macavity if he had never treated Demeter right. The ginger tom didn't get a free pass, he did things to Demeter later on that traumatized her. Macavity was immediately on his bad side. Though he wasn't dumb enough to go after the leader of the Henches. For the time being, he was hoping to avoid running into any of the henchcats. He downcasted his eyes at her confession. He wasn't sure about anything when it came to Macavity, but he wasn't going to hold his breath. "I'm not sure what I would feel, as I've never been in that position. Never been in that kind of love before."
He had understood some aspects of her plight. But the love he felt for Ny'hmm was different then the love she still had for Macavity. He could only imagine that sort of love made things more complicated. "But anything is possible. Makes you wonder what Macavity has gone through...to change him so drastically from the tom you knew him as." Now that it was out in the open, it did make him wonder. For no one was born bad. Still, Macavity was not the one he was talking with and was not his concern. Demeter was. He felt a tight hold on his paw, in response to him reaching out to her. It was an anchor, that pulled him back to what and who was important.
He began to smile in response, and even began to allow himself the small happiness that that simple touch had brought him. Even if it wasn't direct contact. Her question broke through the fog of joy swimming in his mind, and the corners of his lips went in the opposite direction. Closing his eyes, he fought against pitying himself. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't helpful. Reopening his eyes, he gazed at their connected paws. "I thought everyone knew...or suspected. I..." He sighed. "I'm telepathic...but only through touch. I can't control it. So I can't touch anyone without invading their privacy and experiences...and getting a nice little headache in return." He added quickly, so that Demeter wouldn't pity him. "I've been living with it for almost five years now. I've adjusted."
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Post by sansa on Oct 6, 2014 14:16:47 GMT -5
"It was..." Demeter paused, in frustration and in sadness. The memory of Macavity's arms around her was almost suffocating. It tore at her throat and made her heart pound hollowly, and she pushed it back regretful sigh. "Destructing," she finished quietly. "I would have done anything for him." She remembered her first few weeks in the Junkyard, wondering what would happen if she went back, if she behaved... She shook her head softly.
That has always been possibly the worst part for her. Wondering why it was exactly that he'd changed. "He said once that it was because I'd... because I'd tried to run. But-" She shook her head again. Maybe that was true. Maybe it wasn't. She squeezed Gilbert's paw again, absently, her face darkening.
"Oh," she said a bit more loudly, pulled from her reverie. "No, I'm sorry, I-I'm afraid I didn't know." She stared at their paws for a moment of thought. A touch telepath. That explained quite a bit about Gilbert's self-imposed isolation from the Jellicles. She'd assumed he was just incredibly shy, possibly with some sort of germaphobia. She looked at him again with a slightly crinkled brow. "Why didn't you just... touch me, then?"
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Post by Deleted on Oct 6, 2014 23:32:57 GMT -5
"Is there anything I can do?" His question was genuine, but even he knew that aside from listening there wasn't much more he could do for her. A lot of it had to be on her terms. That's where she'd get that healing she thought she had. At her next admission, Gilbert felt some renewed anger towards the ginger tom. "He placed the blame on you? That sounds sleazy to me." But he didn't want to be responsible for Demeter taking two steps back and revert to what she was doing. Even if he did find Macavity to be in the wrong, from Demeter's side of things, the queen still had feelings for him. It wasn't right for him to dissuade her from those feelings.
His eyes were still glued to their two paws. Despite the barrier of the glove protecting him, he could still feel the pressure of her paw on his. Her fingers wound around his own. Even with getting use to wearing gloves in the junkyard, he still rarely came into contact with others. So this was a rare treat. More so. Demeter was still holding his paw, even after he revealed his abilities to her. Her hushed words startled him enough to pry his eyes away from their paws. "Excuse me? Why? I don't like invading the private and personal thoughts, and memories of others. Why would I do that to you?"
The other reason, and now a valid one after hearing what Demeter was hiding. He didn't want to have memories, and thoughts of being in love with Macavity. Though he found toms attractive and definitely leaned more towards toms. (Many of the jellicle toms were straight, which was the way he liked it. Impossible chance of ever getting involved. Just another way to keep his distance) Yet, Gil was pretty sure having the experience of being in love with Macavity would have confused him. Then made him resentful for having the memories of being in love and knowing they weren't his. That he's never been in love. Those thoughts swirled in his head, until he was jerking his paw away from Demeter, with a sorrowful look on his face.
"Sorry." He muttered. He did try to make a joke to keep Demeter away from any more sensitive topics about him. "Can you imagine how confused Electra would be. She doesn't need two mothers." His frown was transformed slowly into a grin, but it didn't even reach his eyes. Declaring it useless in his head, he closed his eyes, gritted his teeth, and then stood up and backed further away from Demeter.
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Post by sansa on Oct 6, 2014 23:50:07 GMT -5
"Just... listen. If you can." Demeter realized suddenly how much she had just unloaded on the poor tom, and she looked at him with worry in her eyes. She didn't want to burden him, not with something so heavy. Though, and she could not admit it to herself, she did not want to lose this confidant so soon. "I know that what he did was bad- horrifying," she muttered, partly to remind herself. "But I..." She struggled to find the words, then simply shrugged. At a superficial level, she knew that he had done an evil thing to her, a thing that she and nobody else could ever deserve. But there was always that voice nagging at the back of her mind, telling her that there was something she could have done to stop it.
Her grip on his paw spasmed and tightened for a moment at his response. God, so stupid. She stuttered for a moment to explain herself. "I-I just... most cats, if they were trying so hard to understand... Most of them would jump at the opportunity to do that, I-" She shook her head helplessly as he pulled his paw away from hers. His apology was met with embarrassed silence. How could she be so careless? He had clearly been uncomfortable discussing the telepathy, what good did she hope would come of her question?
She tried to smile along with him at his joke, but her smile met the same fate as his. "Oh Gilbert, I'm so sorry." Despair filled her quiet voice once more, and she hung her face in her paw in embarrassment. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."
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Post by Deleted on Oct 7, 2014 0:24:14 GMT -5
Gilbert stood there, in the middle of her den, without a clue. Where to go from there. He couldn't exactly run out of there, not with how he just acted. He had acted ridiculous and without even giving her a good reason why he was acting that way. Gilbert sighed, he supposed he could tell her, she did just open her heart up to him....well not her heart. He shook his head, crossing over to the table again. With a thud, he sat back down on the shoe box, his face down. God he was a hypocrite and a failure as a comforter.
He shrugged his shoulders. "And most cats would be mad if I did jump at that chance. You surprised me is all. Some just feel that my ability is almost like a mind rape." He kept his eyes on the ground of her den, his fingers itching to get out by the anxiety rising in the pit of his stomach. "I don't know if that's true, but it is a violation, and honestly, the thought never even crossed my mind to touch you."
Maybe how to avoid touching her. But by now avoidance was an almost subconscious urge.
Her apology hit his ears, and he finally let his head come up slowly. He gazed over at her, his ice-blue eyes searching her eyes, for something. It was the first time he had heard those words, without hearing pity underneath. He didn't see pity in her eyes, face or posture either. Maybe some sadness. But she seemed genuinely concerned about how she may have made him feel. Concerned about him. He blinked. "No. I...wasn't exactly forthcoming about my abilities. It's not my favorite topic. But I don't want to wallow in self-pity about it either." Gilbert sighed. "And don't take this the wrong way, but I'm rather glad I don't have memories of being in love with Macavity. I'd rather my first memories of being in love...come from mine. Which sounds dumb, now that I've said it out loud. Can't exactly get close to anyone to feel that. Stupid of me to think I might still have it in the future, huh?"
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